Forgiving Father

Although I'm retired from my professional life, I'm thoroughly enjoying my role as a father and grandfather. Today, I'm wrapping up a project - building cornhole boards - and looking forward to some quality time with my grandkids. My eldest son's family will join us for dinner, and we'll all celebrate fatherhood. Unfortunately, I don't have time to write, so I'm sharing an article from the archives. It explores a spiritual approach to healing relationships - whether with our fathers or anyone else we've had difficulties with. May it remind us of the profound truth that's always within reach, and help us tackle one of life's great challenges with greater ease and grace.

I'd like to share a story from Karen Armstrong's TED talk, in which she delivered a powerful speech, calling for a Charter for Compassion.

"You know the story of "The Iliad:" the 10-year war between Greece and Troy. In one incident, Achilles, the famous warrior of Greece, takes his troops out of the war, and the whole war effort suffers. And in the course of the ensuing muddle, his beloved friend, Patroclus, is killed -- killed in single combat by one of the Trojan princes, Hector. And Achilles goes mad with grief and rage and revenge, and he kills Hector --, he mutilates his body and then he refuses to give the body back for burial to the family, which means that, in Greek ethos, Hector's soul will wander eternally, lost. And then one night, Priam, king of Troy, an old man, comes into the Greek camp incognito, makes his way to Achilles' tent to ask for the body of his son. And everybody is shocked when the old man takes off his head covering and shows himself. And Achilles looks at him and thinks of his father. And he starts to weep. And Priam looks at the man who has murdered so many of his sons, and he, too, starts to weep. And the sound of their weeping filled the house. The Greeks believed that weeping together created a bond between people. And then Achilles takes the body of Hector, he hands it very tenderly to the father, and the two men look at each other, and see each other as divine." - Karen Armstrong

This Sunday we are invited to celebrate and honor the fathers of the world. For some people their father was their lifetime hero; the wind beneath their wings and fortunate are those who hold such memories of a rich relationship. For others, one’s thoughts and feelings of Father are less savory, perhaps tainted by absence, disappointment, or painful childhood experiences. For those people, what is a wise path that can soften the pain that characterizes relationship with father? Of course, psychotherapy can be a valuable aid to those who are deeply stuck in a painful story. Many of us have gone there and done that work.

There is also a powerful spiritual idea that can liberate us from the long-standing suffering rooted in conflicted feelings with our father (or any person for that matter). Simply stated it is "right seeing", that is, seeing another person through the unfiltered lens of deep empathy and compassion. This is a clarified perception that only the Divine can give us, according to our willingness to see differently. No matter how hard it may be to fathom, Truth tells us that we can be shown, through radical love, that every person who shows up in unloving ways, acts out of their own perception, tainted by their own fears, distorted beliefs, and painful past. In other words, we are all wounded - and thus the universal needs are for healing, not grievance; compassion, not bitterness, understanding not umbrage.

The call for compassion in the presence of conflict is not merely being charitable. It is our own freedom and capacity for love that is at stake in this decision. As A Course in Miracles so elegantly articulates, "...exempt no one from your love, or you will be hiding a dark place in your minds, where the Holy Spirit is not welcome."

True love, the one universal need and desire of every one of us, can only be experienced through an open heart - a heart free of grievances. It is, therefore, the greatest gift we can give ourselves, let alone those who may receive our forgiveness to realize the deeper truth about those with whom we have struggled in relationships. Under the radical love that Jesus taught and demonstrated, everybody does their best according to the content of their consciousness. Fathers (like the rest of us) are either expressing love in any given moment or attempting, however unskillfully, to experience love. It was in this profound, spiritual perspective that Jesus was able to recognize and say about those who attacked him, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

No matter how justified may be our resentment, holding on to it only deepens our suffering and does nothing to right perceived wrongs. Only by opening our hearts and inviting Presence to heal us, will we be released from the bondage of our grievances. Once again, the Truth will set us free.

Namaste, Rev. Larry