The deeper I dive into nondual spirituality, the shallower I feel in my ability to share what I am seeing, feeling, understanding. It is as if the depth of the Truth is internally enlightening and at once averse to expression. It seems I am discovering firsthand the veracity of this oft-quoted scripture, “The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name.”
This conundrum derives from the deep realization that I am not (and by extension, neither are you) what I’ve taken myself to be all along. When I was a person (or so I thought) it was easy to talk about Larry on the spiritual path. Like a character in a story, the fictional me had his ups and downs, his good days, and bad days, his breakthroughs, his doubts, his highs, and seeming revelations. He had his human side and his spiritual side, like some sort of cosmic schizophrenia he vacillated between remembering and forgetting his true nature. And when he was particularly immersed in egoic thinking he would seek to correct his misperception by studying spiritual teachings, meditating on inspired guidance, and eventually breaking through to what seemed to be the presence of light and love. A profile and pattern consisting of a man (identity) who alternately forgot the Truth and remembered the Truth. In that context, there was an assumption that was never questioned. That assumption presupposed that “I” was a “person” seeking to become more spiritual; that this “I” would someday wake up and become enlightened and all my practice and the expectation-based spiritual effort hinged on some ultimate end game where I would arrive in full recognition of my true nature. I see now this has been a fool’s errand.
All this time I have lived without questioning the reality of what I really am. This journey is tantamount to driving a car without ever looking at the gas tank when finally, it comes to a stop and I am confronted with the reality that the tank is empty, and no real fuel to maintain this illusory identity. Trust me, I’ve looked. I’ve looked deeply. I’ve seen images, memories, and perceived sensations, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, all of which are ephemeral that appear temporarily, and pass away. I’ve witnessed all these comings and goings in my experience, but "I" the formless “witness” remains. Incredibly, there is no “person” to be found. Just space or spaciousness that underlies these appearances…no solid individual that comprises an actual self. And the mind, which has been such a trouper up until now in figuring out the conundrums of life is of no use in examining or understanding this spaciousness that seems to be the essential core of what I actually am. This throws us for a loop since the foundation of our commonly accepted model of reality, is the assumption of a separation between subject and object. Such dualistic methods that have been so appropriate and effective for studying objective matters are of no use since the essence of our true nature is pure subjectivity. The difficulty in knowing ourselves is because there is no subject/object relationship. The subject in this instance is the object except it has no objective qualities! Just as the eye cannot see itself, the finger cannot touch itself, the “I” cannot see itself. And you can’t stand apart from yourself in order to study your “self.”
As much as this confounds my mind, and feels so difficult to grok and accept it is consistent with Jesus and many great mystical sages. Jesus declared that Spirit is "closer than our breath”, and this Reality which he called the Kingdom of Heaven, was within us. For us to believe ourselves separate from God is not only contrary to Jesus' and Unity's teachings but literally impossible. Just as a wave cannot be apart from the ocean, nor a sunbeam separate from the sun, we cannot be apart from the allness of God’s infinite being. This is why seeking, searching, and any kind of spiritual yearning or effort are doomed to fail. To seek the Buddha is a denial of your own Buddhahood. You do not travel to a place you're already in and you do not become something you already are.
Since I’m in the early stages of this realization this is the best, I can offer at this time. Over time I trust that more clarity and a maturing of this recognition will colonize more of my body and mind and there will be new revelations that I will share via this blog spot. Stay tuned for more (or less).
Namaste,
Rev. Larry
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