“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly. “ - Richard Bach
The toughest problem of being a spiritual teacher is the times when you feel like you need to listen rather than speak, and yet your assignment calls you to stand and deliver, no matter your sense of inadequacy.
Such was my experience last Sunday when I felt completely bereft of inspiration, devoid of spiritual presence, and totally underwhelmed with reluctance and trepidation at the thought, let alone the act, of giving an inspirational message. While such vacuous states of mind and heart have come over me more than a few times over a quarter-century of preparing inspirational talks, it almost always abates before I have to stand before an expectant congregation and share the message du jour. Painfully, this often occurs with nerve-fraying timing, leaving me wondering if the download of something of substance worth sharing will manifest before I’m actually standing before a hungry audience. However, this past Sunday there was no reprieve and I found myself walking up on stage honestly clueless of what I would say that might pass even the scantest standard of acceptability for an inspirational message.
I could have faked it. I have within the storehouse of my mind and memory the lexicon of spiritual thoughts, ideas, principles, practices, and illustrations that would enable me to cobble together a cogent message that would pass muster to most everyone in the room and leave almost no one the wiser that the message lacked wholehearted conviction. After 100’s of opportunities of acting in the role of minister, one learns, well, to act. But I just couldn't fake it. My guidance felt uncharacteristically passive and surrendered to what was real for me at the moment, and I could not bring myself to steamroll over the emptiness in my heart. I could not bring myself to feign faith and conviction for the sake of saving face. So, I made the seemingly irrational choice to remain vulnerable and risk whatever might come. Embarrassment, disappointment, helplessness, diminished reputation, loss of esteem all might be the fallout from yielding to a willingness to not know and to admit that I did not know anymore what I believed. But none of that happened. Strangely I felt quite peaceful, and with a sense of integrity that buoyed my confidence as I related with complete honesty the fallow state of my current consciousness. Those in attendance listened attentively and compassionately, and I observed many heads nodding knowingly. It seems that others feel or have felt similarly plagued by doubts and uncertainty and there is comfort in knowing this is common to the human condition regardless of how long or how sincere our spiritual journey.
As I write this it has been 6 days and my mind and heart remain clouded by uncertainty and I have to go back to church tomorrow morning and deliver a message once more while not feeling it. However, this time, I am trusting that this emptiness is not a detour on the path to spiritual growth and development but rather a necessary element in the evolution of consciousness that is a condition precedent to a deeper knowing of Truth. Since my intention is to deepen the realization of my natural state; to completely unveil my true nature, then I can expect there will be concomitant disorientation of my sense of identity throughout this process. Because this is a necessary disruption of my sense of who I am and all the beliefs I hold about a special me character that are false I know I need to embrace this essential phase of awareness despite the discomfort. What is often misconstrued is that so-called negative emotions are counterproductive to our intention to awaken but in fact, the emotions themselves are not the obstacle rather it is our response to them. It’s the repression of emotions that keeps the dualistic experience alive.
So this is a snapshot of my current experience that I will continue to chronicle here and in my Sunday talks. I encourage you to find compassion for yourself if this kind of upsetting phase is playing out in your spiritual journey as well. While we may be on unchartered ground personally, those who have gone down this transformational path successfully embrace the reactivity of the mind without judging it or rejecting it on their way to freedom.
Yes, the Truth will set you free, but first, it may tick you off! As the Apostle Paul exhorted, “Let’s press on to the upward call of Spirit.”
With you on the path,
Rev. Larry
And THIS is what makes you irreplaceable! THIS is why you stand as one of the only available sources of honesty in a world having caved to imagery and a sea of false narratives. Thank you for being unappologetic about natural and authentic periods of spiritual dormancy. I was guided back to 4-seasons at the soul level knowing that I needed to fully experience all annual phases in the natural world. May we allign our spiritual paths with the 4 seasons for a more rich journey. May we embrace dormancy as a part of the natural order of all things.